I ran just 2 miles today. Well, let me be honest. I walked half of it. My daughter was in a the stroller. I had to get in a quick one while my son was at bball practice. For some reason I thought I would be able to go for 3. Not so much. My shins started screaming before I even made it half way around the track. My mind wandered. I felt out of shape and pathetic. That urge to slow to a walk was like a monkey on my back. A really heavy monkey...unfortunately he won.
Now I am thinking- WHAT AM I THINKING? Am I too fat to run a marathon? Will I ever be able to cross that finish line? Will I be able to successfully train? I haven't even officially begun training yet and already I'm in doubt. Maybe this is normal? Maybe it's because I am so new to the sport? I don't know....Some days I feel better than others. Some runs feel exhilarating. Today was not one of those great-I can do anything I set my mind to-kind of days.
Today just started out poorly. I had the genius idea of stepping onto the scale first thing this morning. You see I have been feeling pretty good about myself lately. I've been running regularly. And, despite the fact that Halloween has just come and gone I am eating pretty well too. When I examined myself in the mirror I could have sworn that my face was thinning out a little. My body felt like it was toning up more every week. Then I stepped on the scale. Why oh why did I do something stupid like that? I think I might throw it away. The damn thing is broken! I swear I CAN NOT be the SAME weight that I was 3 weeks ago!
Ok, maybe it is possible. But really, my ego did not need to see that. I wish there was some compartment in my brain where I could store such silly information as my current weight and BMI. I'd lock it away and not think about it again. But, alas, I am a woman. No such thing exists. For me it's something that I dwell on all day. Or perhaps all week. Sometimes I punish myself for the number I see by going on some stupid eating tangent. Swearing that I'll start all over on Monday. Other times I get so excited by the number that I reward myself and go on some stupid eating tangent. Obviously, THIS has got to stop or I will be hovering around this same number for years to come! (For the record I am at least 40 lbs. overweight....still carrying that baby fat from my 18 month old. Oops. Guess I shouldn't have gone so crazy with the grape soda.)
Well, this madness with the scale stops here. I am not going to weigh myself until the week of the Marathon. That is about 5 months from now. Obsession with my weight needs to be replaced with focusing on my goals. Focus on getting my ass, big or small as it may be at that time, across the finish line! And who needs a scale anyway? I was feeling pretty good without one. Proud of how far I've come. The changes I've made so far are great ones. It's only going to get better from here. I love that my mindset has shifted from losing weight (let's be serious, this is the ONLY reason I started running in the first place) to actually going after something. Crossing the finish line after 26.2 seems like it is a daunting task. But, I can tell you one thing...I'll run my ass off trying to get there!
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